“Leaving Religion” + The Existential Crisis Series
I Don’t Want To Be Here — 30x48in $48,882
“I Don’t Want To Be Here”
I feel like I’ve been in an existential crisis all my life, I say all the time in my writings. That there’s a “You” that I belong to, but they’ve left me here. If you’re reading this, I wonder what the most prominent themes are of your life.. as I give you the story behind this piece…
Since I can remember, I have felt a great spiritual distance from Love. There is something deeply wrong with this place. It’s like I came here sad… knowing that this discord I’ve sensed in every direction isn’t right. That there’s love out there in the great beyond that knows me… but isn’t here like I used to commune with it. I feel dropped off. And I’m utterly pissed. I feel I am not home.
I gained consciousness, for sure, by 3 years old but have been told that I was always an intensely concerned child. My nature has always completely disagreed with what I see on this earth. There are appreciations and praises in me that want to express themselves, but if I allow that love to flow out from inside just a little bit, everything repels me and it, here. Every wasp stings. Every kid snatches away. Every eye never wants to hold a gaze with you. It seems I can only depend on the sun to look at me. That I can only be touched by the wind sometimes and know that the ground will hold me. Having to animate the inhuman beings of this realm since the real humans don’t want to participate. Why is it so soulless here? Saying hello only yields an instant, brash goodbye. Even “God” doesn’t respond. Everyone’s afraid. Everyone flinches. Scary motives. Furrowed brows. So much dryness. The ongoing disconnect. Where is a “you” in this world to interact with when I’ve only redundantly been rejected back to me? To solitude. I think of “Lila’s Theme” from Charlie Brown’s Snoopy Come Home. All I want to do is to behold and be beheld for once, as here, I’m not only forgotten quickly but fiercely shunned on this planet.
What are we even here for, then? They say there’s a rapture.. well, hell— I’m ready. Some religious leaders have told me we’re here “to fellowship.” I’ll never forget that one at 23 years old on my last limb with Pentecost… because how the hell could that be? With all the disharmony just in the church, alone. If y’all are getting along, I think it’s clear to me now that I’m not of the same feather and am certainly a different bird. Some say we came here to save people from sin. Some people say we came to love, to learn to love, or to learn lessons… that earth is a school. Some say we come just “to experience.” Some say we came to experience “the contrast.” Some say we each asked…. to be here. Wtf. I’ll gladly take accountability if you sent me with a tag to remember that. Since 2022, I’d listen to the near-death experiencers often say we signed a contract to be here.
I’ve been searching for this answer amongst the pastors, the Sunday school teachers, the spiritual channelers, the Bible’s and books, to YouTube, and always back to myself. Why is everyone afraid of everyone? Why is there synchronous disgruntledness? Why is there cold… sinister… disdain everywhere? Why is there distinct separation… understood segregation… disregard… heartlessness… evident imbalance… and brisk rigidness in this land? Am I just in Louisiana… is that why? Where is God? Where is friendship? Where are the ones who stick closer than a brother? Why aren’t we saving people like y’all said? Where is the fellowship? Where is the communion? Why are people debating? Why can’t religions agree? Why are there different bibles? Why are they fighting about who “actually” has the Truth? How can I trust adults to lead me when they are at odds with what’s “right?” Who can I depend on if they say I’m too young to guide myself? My heart churns, yearns, and longs to leave. I don’t…. want to be here…..
—Jaeda
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The Rapture — 16x20in $7,000
My Rapture Trauma | An excerpt from my 2024 journals…
Every two seconds, it seemed, we were being told that Jesus was coming back at any moment. I don’t think people realize the toil and toll that takes on a kid’s nervous system and what a paralyzing state that creates in a child’s mind through their day. Terror. Teachers are likely never aware of their students who are religious and experiencing this degree of anxiety, unless maybe the student wore special religious attire. Not only have children been affected by and convinced of this phenomenon, but impressionable adults (including me) have packed up storehouses and pantries with food for Y2K, 2012, and several other dooms day conspiracies that have never happened. It puts your mind on edge, this fear tactic. “No one knows the day or the hour! Get in church! Pay your tithes! Pray without ceasing! Fear the Lord and his wrath on the earth! He’s coming any moment and you don’t want to get left! Don’t forsake the gathering together of the saints! Repent of your wickedness! YOU DON’T WANT TO GO TO HELL!” This keeps you in a state of never doing enough. Never ready enough. Constant self-criticism and dis-ease. Never relaxing. Trouble falling asleep. Always on edge. Always in fear. Even further…. Every hurricane was “Jesus is coming.” Every clap of thunder, earthquake, or natural disaster was God “judging the earth” and signs of the end.. asking you to drop to your knees and get right with Him. Not every Christian in America experienced this. But that’s all I was around outside of school:
The last days
The end times
The coming of the lord
The rapture
“We’re going to Heaven”
Acts 2:38
“Everybody needs the Holy Ghost to be saved”
In the twinkling of an eye. He’s gonna snatch us up!
He’s coming…
Like a thief in the night…
You don’t wanna get left behind
Prayer meeting..
Revival…
Judgement day…
Pre-tribulation
“Lord tarry”
This was my life. All of these terms and phrases scared the hell out of me. Literally…. (You would think God’s words wouldn’t be hell, too.)
Constant stirring, worrying, and concern.
Dissatisfaction with self.
Never being present with the joys of life for the state of fear interrupting and overpowering the enjoyment in front of you. Feeling out of His good graces and seeking His face for reprimand, mercy, and forgiveness. Looking to dodge consequences. Suffering and depriving the self with intense prayer and starvation in fasting to be reconsidered holy in His sight at all times as you dragged his scary fearful presence around with you and the scriptures of perilous times and fire & brimstone sermons pounding in your heart and head.
Chaos of the mind, I tell you. It’s been 26 years and Jesus still hasn’t come.
What…. are they talking about?
Where is He?
Where is He…? —48x32in $17,533
Where is He…. on the white horse? I thought they said You were coming “any minute” now? Where is He with the fulfillment of that prophecy? Where is He in my family’s time of need? Where is He who said He’d do all these things? All these miracles? Why hasn’t He showed up for any of this you speak of and read to us? Why did you say this prophecy over this person was to unfold for them 10 years from now, and yet, He’s coming any day?
They would tell you that God was going to do this for you, and do that for you. And you’d be like “Well, doggone! Go ahead! ‘Preciate it.” You step aside to let “Him” do what He apparently offered and promised… and it never happens. You’re wasting my time. Preachers would say you should “just sit back and watch what God’s going to do”or what He’s offered to do. To be handsoff. To not try and do it yourself because “You can’t do it like Him!”
Who is this person y’all are talking about? That does all this stuff? You’re wasting my time. Because I’ve never seen Him show up. I could have done this myself without your empty unnecessary propositions, and promises, and offerings to do something for me.
That’s like going to the grocery store and someone saying “I’ll carry your groceries out to your car and pull it up to the door for you since I know it’s raining and you have on sandals.”
And you’re like “Ah man, I didn’t expect that. That would be nice. Thank you.. I appreciate it.”
This person walks off. You think they’re going to your car. But now it’s been 20 minutes and you could’ve BEEN run out there yourself.
“God’s gonna blow up your business”
Crickets.
“God’s gonna help you win souls this year”
Not a soul interested.
The truth is. If God didn’t exist as such a big concept here on earth, we’d just be doing all of this stuff ourselves and it wouldn’t be as natural for us to be asking or waiting for anybody else to do it. We’d know it’s all on us. And we wouldn’t know any different. I believe we would just move gracefully and naturally without any waiting.. knowing that we create all of our circumstances. The way they’ve personified God here and made “him” so separate and far “above” us… has stunted a lot of people and caused a lot of unnecessary disruption in the natural flow of a human being’s pursuits. I know people to this day waiting on a prophecy to happen that was “spoken over them” from 16 years ago still saying “God’s gonna do it,” while their life is rotting and decaying from waiting on God to bring their groceries. Where’s He at? So I can tell Him…. and His “messengers” about themselves….. Being Him to me…
Please tell me…✉️
What do you resonate with the most?
The only thing that keeps me going are others’ stories.
Please get in touch with me so I can hear YOUR story, if you’re reading this. That’s my mission. To commune with my people. Those who have been deconstructing religious trauma, left faiths, created new philosophies for themselves, don’t believe in anything, are open and still spiritual, and/or have similar trains of thought. Thank you for taking time with my heart. However you enjoy communicating… I want to connect, as that is my purpose with these pieces. To finally connect with others who have a similar experience or who appreciate such themes at all. To know YOU…
✉️
jsamoriginals@gmail.com
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